Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Special Correspondent

In the wee hours of the morning, as I am getting ready to head to work and my wonderful wife is still sleeping, I head downstairs to iron. And while I'm down there, I start to miss my wife and need company.

In the process, I developed a pretend CNN girlfriend. But then she left me.

Kate Bolduan brought me through some of the cold mornings. She was adorable, sitting out on the White House lawn. She would inform me of the latest on the Obama transition team and inaugural preparation. She would ease me of the pain--the pain that my separation from my wife (who was about fifteen feet away from me, but on ANOTHER FLOOR) was causing. I grew to look forward to our time together.

Then, although I thought it would last, Kate left me.

Suzanne (rhymes with Cezanne) Malveaux came between us, and Kate didn't even stop to say goodbye.Apparently, for her, I was nothing more than a temporary gig...a conquest during her vacation fill-in.

That's all I meant to her. (Sniff.)

Now, while Kate was around, another woman kept trying to get my attention with news from just across the mall at the Capitol. I thought she was kind of cute, but nobody could take me from my Kate. And I thought Kate was beautiful (although, seriously, the two Pretend CNN Girlfriends are very, very similar looking, are they not?)

But once Kate left, I started noticing Brianna was always there for me. Every morning, through thick and thin, as I stood in the cold basement ironing the day's teacher clothes, Brianna would look right at me.

I got the sense she was thinking of me every time she said "stimulus package."

I don't want to say that I'm entirely over Kate. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. These things take time. But, sort of like in Survivor's song "The Search Is Over," I began noticing that Brianna was with me all the while, through all of my difficult 6:10 AM ironings. I began to notice how surprisingly dark her eyes are. And Brianna had a bit of the seal of approval of my wife, who looked at both Kate and Brianna and declared that Brianna is better looking. Not sure I agree, but I trust my wife's judgement on my pretend girlfriends. I want them to get along.

So Brianna earned the promotion to #1 CNN Pretend Girlfriend.

Which is all background for this.

Yesterday, I noticed a good-sized bruise on Brianna's neck. Hadn't noticed it before. Could it be a hickey? No. No way. The makeup people would have that gone faster than you could say "Flip Spiceland."

But then, this morning, Brianna and her strangely-dark eyes were inside a Congressional building. I got a closer look at my pretend girlfriend than I ever had. The bruise was still there.

Okay. Less likely to be a hickey. More likely to be a birthmark. Pretend girlfriend isn't necking like it's the Tolo dance with the guy she sits behind in Trigonometry.

But if that's the case. where the hell is the birthmark in any photo of her on the internet? Look at the picture above. No neck birthmark there.

I can't currently find a video of Brianna from the last couple of mornings. If you're up in the next couple of days and see her doing Congressional news, could you do me a favor and see if she has a hickey? Thanks.

It won't end my pretend relationship with Brianna. I just want to know.

(By the way, Ms. Keilar and Ms. Bolduan, if you want to know my address for the inevitable restraining order you'll want from this post, please contact Sue Bird. She can help you get one.)

1 comment:

Bill said...

Google the same ? and found this page,it's 5 months later and it is still there so either it's a birth mark or she is dating Vlad the Impaler.