Sunday, February 15, 2009

Deep-fried things

Pankleb turned 35 tonight. He and many of his cool friends--I'm a friend, we'll let you decide if I'm cool--celebrated at Fire on the Mountain, a local wing joint.

I suppose I could have had a salad. But once I looked at the recipe for their hot sauce and found it had no ingredients on my banned list, I decided to go with some hot wings. Tasty. It's been a while.

Some others present were recommending the deep-fried pickles. Worth a shot. They were quite good. The hot pickle juice bursting free from beneath the frying was quite a tangy surprise. It had some kick to it.

Next up: well, we decided pankleb needed a deep-fried Twinkie. Seriously--NEEDED one. Two orders arrived. I had a bite of one.

Holy shit, was that ever good. I don't think I'd ever eat an entire deep-fried Twinkie--God knows how many calories and how much fat I would be ingesting--but damn, that one bite was good. Transcendently good, I swear to God. If you have a the opportunity to taste a deep-fried Twinkie, do NOT pass it up.

Then, once pankleb had eaten 18 wings, several deep-fried pickles, and most of a deep-fried Twinkie, we noticed that deep-fried Oreos were on the menu. We bought an order for him. The Oreo (not just the middle...the cookie part too) melts a little in the deep-fryer, making for an unexpectedly gooey-crumbly treat. Not as good as the Twinkie, but still pretty good.

It occurred to me in the midst of all of this buying-deep-fried-stuff-for-pankleb activity that this felt a little like a 21st birthday party...where friends keep buying the birthday celebrant drinks to see how he handles them. By 35, we've all been drunk (well, most of us...I hadn't been). So at 35, rather than buying pankleb drinks, we kept hitting him up with fatty calorie-laden treats to see how he could handle them. Rather than saying "Chug! Chug!" we were talking about how many times he'd have to climb Mount Tabor to work off just that Twinkie...suggesting he might not be man enough to handle all that fat.

And how did pankleb respond? With all the bravado of a 21-year-old showing off his ability to hold liquor.

He held up the Twinkie, brought it towards his lips, and shouted the following immortal statement:

"Metabolize THAT, motherfucker!"

(It seems he was actually taunting his own body there. But it was still pretty awesome.)

One other idea: The fine folks at Fire on the Mountain could add one more deep-fried item to their menu.

Now, we all know about deep-fried ice cream. (Tried it once. It's not as good as an Oreo and not in the same time zone as the Twinkie.) Fire on the Mountain could go a step further.

My recommended recipe:

1. Take a scoop of vanilla ice cream and drop it in a cube about the size of a baseball-holder filled with root beer.

2. Freeze the root beer with the ice cream in it.

3. Drop the whole kit and caboodle into the deep fryer.

The result? Yep. A deep-fried root beer float!

Who's with me?


tommyspoon said...

Deep fried Snickers. 'Nuff said.

Greg said...

My stomach hurts just thinking about that!

pankleb said...

I think the deal with such fatty foods is that they don't exactly absorb water or beer or Sprite or whatever once they hit your stomach. That's too simple -- it would help break down the food. Instead, they just kindof sit there and wait for the digestive juices to dissolve them slowly. It's really quite a repulsive thought.

Yes, TRP is cool. Yes, the Oreo was good, but the Twinkie was sublime.

I suppose I did blurt out the "Metabolize THAT!" line. I felt a little sick an hour or two later as the water I drank was probably bouncing off the fried-food mountain in my stomach ...