Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Need some help to enjoy this season

Today, I watched a little bit of Mariner spring training. I wanted to see if young Felix Hernandez is as much of a stud as they're saying, and he had a good outing. But I'm also back to the summer's ritual of listening to Rick Rizzs.

Rick is one of the play-by-play guys for the Mariners. He's not as awesome as Dave Niehaus, who has done M's games since the M's came to be in 1977. In fact, a lot of people hate Rick. I don't mind him...he's passable and easily ignorable...except for one trait that I find troubling ever since my brother pointed it out to me two years ago.

Let's suppose a Mariner pitcher allows a couple of baserunners early in an inning, but then manages to get through the inning without allowing a run to score. Every single time this happens, Rick says the same thing: "So, [pitcher's name] gets out of a jam." It might not seem like a big deal, but 162 games is a long season, and I now can't stop noticing that this is said every single game.

I've decided this is the year to help Rick diversify a little bit. The goal is to come up with 161 other ways to describe the situation. I figure about 20 of you will read this. If each of you chip in 8 different ways to say "he gets out of a jam," we'll have 160 of them. Then, I just need two more and I'll cut and paste them into an email to Rick. He'll have one new one per game that way, and M's games will be easier. In fact, the M's pitching staff is weak enough that we can probably look forward to a lot of baserunners, so a lot of opportunites to see which phrase Rizzs picks.

I'll begin with my eight.

First, let's go simple synonym:

1. "He gets out of trouble."

Second, let's go metaphor:

2. "He dodges a bullet."

Third, let's go literal:

3. "He lets some baserunners on, but none of them score."

Fourth, let's start to get weirder metaphors.

4. "He gets his hand out of the cookie jar."

Now, two more, sort of in stream of consciousness:

5. "The undertow didn't get him; he's back on shore."

6. "He swims out of the fisherman's net."

Let me try folksy:

7. "He's feeling like a hen the fox mistook for a big rock."

And finally, something with a 1950s sexual feel:

8. "He leaves the runners hot to trot but out in the cold."

There. That didn't take me long. Now, it's your turn. Please, help us Mariner fans get through the year without the dread of hearing the EXACT SAME PHRASE EVERY NIGHT...

Give me your eight.

2 comments:

tommyspoon said...

Ok try these on for size...

Star Trek:

"(insert Mariners' pitcher name here) really broke free of those (insert opposing team here)tractor-beams."

"And (insert opposing team here)'s attempt to violate the Prime Directive has been thwarted by (insert Mariners' pitcher name here)."

Political:

"Well, it looks like the (insert opposing team here)'s bill ain't getting out (insert Mariners' pitcher name here)'s committee."

"And so (insert Mariners' pitcher name here)'s fillibuster of (insert opposing team here)'s baserunning continues."

IT:

"Looks like (insert Mariners' pitcher name here) has successfully rebooted the hard drive of the Mariners, thus avoiding the (insert opposing team here)'s blue screen of death."

"And the (insert opposing team here)'s internet cache gets cleared (insert Mariners' pitcher name here)."

Shakespeare/Poetry:

"And the winter of (insert opposing team here)'s discontent continues, brought about by our glorious son, (insert Mariners' pitcher name here)."

"And now let us sit upon the ground and tell sad tales of the death of (insert opposing team here)'s baserunning."

Joe said...

It's Simile Man to the Rescue!

"And Smith gets out of this one like Booth out of Ford's Theater."

"Smith gets away with his mistakes like a CEO with a good lawyer."

"And Smith strands the runners like a bad blind date when you crawl out the restaurant window with the car keys."

"Smith keeps the runners off of home base like..." No, I'm sorry, too many complaint letters.

OK, Simile Man's a little under the weather.

"Smith leaves a man on third, but nobody scores. You tease."

"Smith made his own bed and took a nice cozy nap in it."

"Smith dug his way in, and then dug his way out."

"A little excitement, but Smith turned out the lights."

"A whomp babalu bomp a whomp bam boom, end of the inning."

I just thought that'd be a fun catchphrase. It's better than Booyah!